i lost myself in yr eyes once...

outta here

2005-07-27T19:56:27Z

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING TOWN

ITS KILLING ME INSIDE

[seriously, if i dont get out soon, this soul of mine is going to wither up and evaporate into nothing]

i cant take much more.

its all happening!

2005-07-01T10:17:45Z

i dunno

everything has just fallen into place by some strange occurance

and i love it

i have my doubts, but so far so good

everything is happening for a reason,

all these so-called dilemas i had

have seemed to rub themselves out

and im just going with it

as much of a mess i am,

ive never felt more together as i do now.

im smiling because im sincerly happy rite now.

and i can just feel it reverberating out into the atmosphere rite now..

its been a while...

2005-06-26T02:42:40Z

i always do this to myself.

fall too fast for the boy with long hair and breathtaking eyes.

i wind up crushed and disappointed.

i really should know better, especially by now.

at least its a good thing that im learning how to move on.

god knows it took me quite a long time to get over the last one.

i guess im growing up.

my summer has been wonderful so far.

work is going good, im probably gonna be a server pretty soon. i have yet to get in trouble, and they dont care that i ask for lots of time off.

ive been going sooo many places.

the past two weeks, ive just been roadtreking it up.

i was at bonnaroo in tennesse. i saw modest mouse as the sun was setting and i cried because it was such a perfect moment. im going to see them again on tuesday.

i was also at wakarusa in kansas.

in less than a week, im going to colorado. im gonna see the big summer classic at the red rocks. i still cant believe i get to go there. that has been one of my dreams for a long time, to see a show at the red rocks. then im gonna party it up for the 4th in ft. collins.

afterwards, im going to either wisconsin or missiouri. not sure which yet.

im might be moving to wisconsin in the fall, if everything works out, i hope it does, but well see.

i do know that i have to get out of my house soon though.

my grandma moved in, and our house is pretty much done.

but its wierd, it no longer feels like home. its so big, and i dont know where anything is.

the nurses who come in and care for my grandma have to help me find my way around the kitchen, which is ridiculous.

i dunno.

i need to connect with the people from my past.

it keeps happening randomly at work, ill run into people from years ago, and it just gets me thinking.

ive changed alot lately. for the better.

so many people have told me that i seem brighter to them. im glad. i dunno what made me so angry, but its nice to know its no longer there.

my hell, comes from inside myself. why fight this?

sincerly me

2005-05-11T06:05:55Z

i had one of the best weekends of my life.

i went to this tiny town just south of carbondale and lost myself.

everything just felt rite for the first time in forever.

being with the people i was with, doing the things i was doing, feeling the things i was feeling.

it was eden.

there was not one bad vibe in this whole town. everyone there did not give a fuck about anything except having a good time.

and it wasnt crazy. it was just drinking beer, and smoking hookas.

there were these woods that literally took my breathe away.

it was exactly what ive needed for the past 4 months.

i feel okay again for the first time in a while.

and im ready.

im ready for this summer. for whats going to happen. for what is going to ensue.

and i cant wait to slip away into all that it will be.

im ready for next fall, even though im just as clueless as ive ever been.

but regardless, i know it will all work out.

im not sure if i want to go to school or work. or where i want to live.

im just going to take it as it comes baby.

im ready to do this now.

and i can finally spread my lips wide and whisper that im okay and mean it.

did i do it rite?

2005-05-02T09:43:53Z

ive been way too angry for my own good lately.

oh well.

ive been listening to some music that i havent had the pleasure of hearing for some time now. it makes me feel good. i think its helping to level me out.

because i honestly cant be so irate all the fucking time. unless i wanna have a heartattack like tomorrow.

this weekend im going camping in southern illinois. going to this crazy hippie-like festival just south of carbondale. gonna trip out in the forrest and smoke hookahs. i think itll be good for me. itll give me some perspective.

im excited.

i got a new hose for my hookah. its pimp shyt. and some delicious orange shesha. mmm, good.

im really getting sick of all this stupid bullshit drama. so much shit-talking behind everyones back. something happens and then i spend my next 3 weeks analyzing it death and talking about how i feel. im tired of it. its no fun to sit around and beat a dead horse. which is why ive said fuck it and have decided to just go with the flow. and hang out with supercool people who are above the drama. like the wheaton crowd.

im so in love with my job. its cool because i open doors for people and blow up ballons all day. and my shifts arent really that long. i work with some cool people and everyone tells me that im doing a great job. i hope this lasts...

some crazy shyt happened in my garage tonite, involving some ballons and nitrous oxide.

kiss the rain under electrical skies...

thats rite, biotch!

2005-04-19T23:52:15Z

my whole world fell apart this weekend.

but ill be okay, eventually, this too shall pass.

im just really worried about how this is going to affect everything.

(imalsohellaconcernedaboutmysista)

i did, however, get a job!

as a hostess at red robin.

eventually, if im good enough, ill be a server.

my first day is tomorrow, 4:20 hahaha!

hopefully im not stuck there too late.

hmm, well everyone have fun tomorrow, party it up!!!

(for hitlers birthday, obviously!)

are you out there? hello?

2005-04-06T23:41:11Z

yesterday was unbelievably amazing

i sat in a room filled with beyond plastered kids

watched this grrl whore herself

(this is the type of grrl that gives a bad name to females everywhere, and everytime i see her drunk, it just gets that much worse)

tried to get this already ridiculous kid that much drunker by forcing beer and shots in his face

and then proceeded to sit there and make horrendous puking sounds in his face

AND THEN HE PUKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was awesome

we left shortly after that because everyone told us that we were mean.

whatever, it was worth it

so ive decided to take a break from getting fucked up

no "drugs" for a long ass time, my brain cant handle it

and no drinking for a while because my insides are killing me, literally

plus, im sick of being a drunk fool

its lost all appeal, especially when you end up making a complete ass of yrself which i seem to do

im still gonna smoke, but not nearly as much

fuck, yesterday i got so high all i wanted to do was pass out

and thats no fun

(even though weed naps are the best)

gah, im so lost these days

(i seem to fall in love everyday with someone different who romantices me in just the right way. they have no idea of course, but its nice to dream)

outta my mind

2005-03-28T11:58:18Z

why is it that my head is always so noisy?
cant ever seem to get these thoughts to stop or even slow down.
i wish i could hit pause and take a brief break from everything that seems to be swallowing me
but it seems so impossible
i feel like im walking on the edge of my mind lately
and that this tightrope act is going to end in disaster

yr so alive rite now

grrlxmess @ 2005-03-24T21:00:00

2005-03-25T03:09:43Z

fuck me goddamnit.

im so sick.

i have an ear infection and my tonsils are the size of golf balls. my nose is running and i can barely breathe.

and i dont think ive ever been more attractive in my life than at this current moment.

fucking shit, i might be dying. i hope not though.

i was supposed to hang out with all these people, and then it got all crazy mixed up because my phone is broken and now i feel lost without it. i probably sound pretty pathetic rite now, but hell, i have a temperature and im entitled to. when im no longer ill, i will kick myself.

i want it to stop being so cold. its really not helping anything by staying this frigid.

whatever, this was pointless and i dont even know if i could make sense if i tried rite now.

la la la, would anyone care to bring me some soup?

tragedy & <3break

2005-03-24T12:24:49Z

okay,

so i guess it just wasnt in the stars for me to have a cell phone because igor dropped my phone in a glass of fucking v8 and now it does not work.

so i guess if you know me and have my phone number, either call me and leave me a message or text me with yr number and we can hang out and be friends.

but seriously though, you have to call me because i most likely wont remember shit unless i talk to you like all the time, and even then its not highly possible.

but yea, the whole thing is busted, even the sim card, i lost like 200+ numbers, so fucking call me and make sure i get yours, itll be good times biotches!!!

but other than that, i have been at uic doing fucking nothing. i did go to greek town today, it was good food. i saw cryptopsy yesterday but not before drinking lots of mushroom tea and driving to the city fucking tripping during rush hour. this guy on stage, lord worm, ate real worms from a goblet, it was weird.

last weekend, i went to this rave/party thing and had quite possibly one of the best experiences ive had anywhere. i dunno, i was so against that whole rave scene thing, but now that ive actually done it, ive kind of fallen into it. its not what youd expect. and thats not just the drugs talking, although it could account for some. everytime i go to one, it just gets better and better.

now, im sitting here being sick. and it sucks. because my face feels like its gonna blow up from all the pressure.

MY HEADS GONNA EXPLODE!

anyways, call me, leave me a message and well fucking hang out, fucking shit!

open yr eyes

2005-03-16T11:43:09Z

hmm, well i dont even know whats going on rite now.

blitzed!

what a crazy week, everyones birthday in a row.

ian, travis, schu, st pattys, kheema, rave

ahhhhh, im pretty sure ive lost my effer-lovin mind.

blargh, still no freakin sign of my cell phone.

ive dug myself such hole and cant seem to get out of it.

im searching for such clarity but coming up with nothing but doubt and inconsistency

oh deary, ive lost all sense with reality...

hello?

2005-03-13T20:25:25Z

i drank some mushroom tea.
no police came after me.

i also drank some absinth the day before.

INSANITY

ps - i lost my phone, someone please find it for me!

#$%*@!!!

2005-03-11T02:51:14Z

so about this snow thing,

IM REALLY FUCKING PISSED!

its march, whats the deal motha nature?

well fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch for ruining my life, well my weekend, but come on.

give me a break and warm the fuck up.

the world will be a better place.

seriously, i bet a ton of people will not want to kill themselves when its warmer.

goddamn, im irritated by all this powder precipitation.

i wanted to smash his face

2005-03-04T13:10:16Z

how did i get here?

i seriously just dont know anything anymore.

i had the most ridiculous day today. i slept/laid in my bed til almost 4. i didnt leave my house before 9.
before i left, me and my sister got into, not so much a fight or anything. she was just freaking out about going up to uic, and i kept telling her i dont know whats going on and who all is going up there, that ill have to talk to igor to figure out whats going on. she freaks out and all she hears is "no, everyone up there hates me, so i just wont go, forget it." seriously come on now. dont fucking twist my words. i have to talk to the person whos room it actually is before i bring all these people with me. it finally got settled after much discussion. the thing is, shes so timid, and i have always been a very independent person, who did basically whatever i wanted without anyones approval. she hates being known as shelleys sister, but she doesnt establish herself as a person. she always says "hi, im shelleys sister." plus, shes kind of young, so when we sit around and drink and get fucked up, everyones always concerned about her and if she can handle it. most of the time she can, shes fucking related to me, so of course she can. but then that makes me freak out cause everyone else is and its just frustrating. most of the time its cool and people just assume things and over-react when in all actuality its fine.

as im leaving my house, igor calls me and ask if i want to come on saturday, instead of tomorrow. honestly, had he told me earlier, i would have been fine. but heres the thing

-my dad has bronchitis, badly. ive been somewhat sick all week. i cant go to the doctor because i have no health insurance (imnotinschool).
-my house is under major construction. there is a hole in basement wall and its fucking cold.
-i havent done anything all week except sit at traviss house and my house. i want to do something fun, thats what the weekends are for.

so i was really looking forward to leaving my house and not having to deal anything for a few days. i was gonna leave early, at like 3 tomorrow before igor even gets out of class to avoid traffic and get out there. igor tells me that ian is coming up and that ian has some sort of problem with me.

WHAT THE FUCK?

i havent talked to him in a month really. i have not been dramatic or even done a goddamn thing. after all that bullshit drama went down, i basically stepped down and said fuck it. whatever happens, happens. so i realized i was being a bitch and making something out of nothing and just let it go. and thats exactly what ive been doing. i dont sit around and talk shit about him and angie or any of that, i just kind of moved on. its not worth caring about anymore. im not gonna have all this drama, because i hate it. thats why i became friends with these people in the first place, to avoid all this bullshit. fuck, the nite of my birthday, we were fucking partying at dans and angie came. i left, and it was my fucking birthday. i didnt care though, id rather have a good birthday without any shit going down. i over looked all of that.

earlier this week, i went over to traviss and three of us just hung out. there was no tension, no bulshit, no nothing, it was awesome. and its not like i called him the next day and expected everything to be like it was and for us to be best friends again. i just thought we were making progress towards actually talking again, i mean come on, weve been best friends for like a year and half. and by best friends, i mean he knows everything, hes seen me at my worst, hes seen me naked, hell, weve had sex, lots of it. all i ever wanted was for him to still be my friend, regardless.

so i hear this, and im just like what the fuck?
i got pissed, because i can hang out with him and its not really a big deal. again, ive fucking moved on. but he makes this big deal about him not wanting to be there if i was gonna be there. which is obnoxious, because all hes doing by doing that is bringing more drama to an already dramatic situation. and yr the one who said that you didnt to talk to me because you didnt feel like dealing with the fucking drama. wtf?
plus, i dont even hear this from him, i hear it from someone elses mouth like 3 days later. if you really have a problem with me, say something to me. not somebody else who will tell me eventually.

so i go to travis and he comes over, at this point, i want to smash him with a guitar, preferrably in the face. im freaking out because all of this is just bullshit. seriously. so were hanging out, and everything is fine. were just fucking chillin, im not being a bitch, i dont even bring up the situation at hand because i knew it wasnt worth it. eventually igor and this whole weekend came up, and finally, i was just like whats the deal?

and he told me there was no deal. that everything is fine, again what the fuck?

we ended up talking about everything and its all cool. he has no problem with me and as far as were both concerned, were cool. there is no shit. he says he doesnt want to get shit for hanging out with angie or anyone else, that he has just forgotten about everything that has happened and he feels so much better. that there is no stress in his life. and he would always freak the out because everyone would come to him and freak out. but now were basically on the same page. he can do whatever he wants as far as im concerned, its his life. nobody needs to watch out for him, hes a big boy. i guess some people were giving him shit for being friends with me, and surprise surprise, they dont want us to be friends. whatever, fuck everyone.

my god, this was so complicated and all this shit happened for no real reason. but i have gotten something out of all of this, which is good because it wouldnt have been worth putting up with everything had i not.

i always used to freak out because of things he did or shit that happened. and days later, id still be freaking out, bitching at him days later. eventually, he would just throw is hand up and say
"im sorry that happened, im sorry i did that, but it happened. and there is nothing i can do to change it now because it did already happen. i can just try to avoid doing it again and thats all i can really say or do."

and it wasnt until i found myself saying that to my sister today that it came full circle.

i seriously just need to let go of things. its not worth holding grudges or hating someone. it takes to much effort to hate everything. and this past few weeks, i have just been chillin out, not caring so much about what happens, as long as its not life-altering. and i feel better too.

i dunno. a part of me feels really hurt inside, but thats only because its not easy to let go. seriously, my hear feels broken because its just too much emotion. there is too much to feel. but all i can really do is except it for what it is, and ill be okay eventually. these things take time. ill heal and so will my <3.

then, were sitting in traviss basement being drunk asses because we took out a whole bottle of jager in like an hour and a half. were pretty loud, and his dad comes downstairs pissed as hell. he goes off on travis and tells him to get his stuff, that hes kicked out. so we all leave, fast. and were sitting outside of his house, waiting to see if hes actually kicked out. he calls us eventually and says it good, that he gets to stay and all that.

so we go to holmans. were all just chillin, bein drunk. and feezy calls, he ran out of gas and he needs a ride. so me and schu go get him. were driving and hes like we have to get fritz. we get him, and as usual hes freaking out about drugs, about buying mushrooms to sell so he can make money and all this other bullshit. i later find out that he has all this mescaline on him. fucking christ. we go back to holmans and drink more. were sitting there, smoking huks and listening to ian play guitar. and out of nowhere, holman starts being an ass and giving ian shit. saying that he sucks at guitar(hes actually really good, and he got there with a lot of hard work), that hes a pussy, that hes wasting his life because hes not going to school and all this bullshit. that pissed me off. first of all, ian will go to school, he will finish, all in good time. you have to have money to go to school. thats something that he doesnt have and his mom needs all the help she can get. second of all, im not in school and i know that i am not wasting my life because im not going to college. i will go to college, i will finish and i will do something with my life, im not sure what yet, but itll happen. come on, i get kicked out my house with no car, i had to drop out because i was left with no other option at the time. shit happens, dont give people shit until you know the full story. hell, i tried going back for the winter quarter, but it all went to hell in a handbasket, so i just took a year off. i will do something with my life all in due. plus, the fact that all of this came from mike holman was just pushing the limit. the whole time fritz is begging me took take him here, there and everywhere.

so i take ian home, i take dan to his car, i go to jules house because fritz said he would give me some vodka he had there if i took him. then, i drive to feezys car, get the gas can out of it and go to a gas station. were there and feezy is tripping his nuts off and cant figure out how to work the gas pump. it gets worked out and im driving to feezys car. i hear the gas can bouncing around in my trunk, and at this point, its 4:30 in the morning, im high, im drunk and i just want to go home. i open my trunk and it reaks of gas and i see the vodka. its half a flask of fucking skol. FUCK THAT. its almost not worth drinking because of how shitty you feel afterwards. i make fritz give me five bucks for driving him all over hell and creation. he freaks out, gets in my face and is all like, "fuck you, you dont understand my situation!" i was just like whatever, its five bucks, give it to me. so he does. he always give me two white pills that he says is mescaline. i find it hard to believe that he would just give me two pills of mescaline, so im pretty fucking skeptical.

meh, so now im here. im fucked to all hell and im not sure what to think or how to feel about any of it. but i guess ill just go with it because nothing that tragic happened. hell, i came out with a water bottle full shitty vodka, two pills that are supposedly mescaline, a lil weed, i got high, i got drunk, i smoked a few hookas, theres pretty much no hard feelings between me and him. i dont really think i could ask for much more. im going to the city later and im getting smashed, so i guess its all good.

im so glad that i got all of that out of my system, i dont expect anyone to read this, i almost dont want anybody too, but hell nobody will because its too long. that, and i honestly just dont care because its not floating around in my head anymore. i feel likd 10000x better.

baby, its cold outside

2005-03-03T09:06:36Z

im fucking freezing rite now. who decides to have major construction done to their house when its like 20 degrees outside? my parents, arent they smart!

so i came up with a bunch of tattoo ideas and now i want like 6, which means i need to get some money.

im glad that the weekends almost here. not that i did anything at all besides sleep through most of it. weekend are just more fun. i sit in front of the computer and watch tv all for most of my existence. i have barely left my house this week. yesterday, i drove around for like 20 minutes just to make sure my car was still working (itis:). hanging out with igor and bumming around the dorms is just fun, chaos always ensues. probably because i dont actually go to school there.

i really wanted to go some where for spring break, just to get a way for a while. im kind of pissed its not going down. we were supposed to go to florida, but then all this shit went down and not its not so much an option any more. grr, i wanted to go some place warm.

oh well, i just hang out with all the people who come home for break and hopefully spring will have sprung.

attn: marvel comics

2005-03-02T10:53:03Z

so i hung out with him tonight for the first time in a while, hell, i hadnt even talked to him in like two weeks. we used to hang out everyday for like 6 hours. maybe thats why were always fueding. it was slightly weird, but everything is cool.

its sad though because him and everything else has changed. guess i need to get used to the fact that it will never be like it was, despite my efforts. its really not worth it, so im just gonna chill out and see what happens. because i have no idea how any of this is going to work. id like to think that it would and that ill be okay with everything, but i know i wont. a part of me is always going to be jealous and resent him because of how everything went down. i want to be friends, but a small part of us was something more. and i just dont know. honestly, i just hate her. she is the embodiment of everything i am against. if i had an arch-nemesis, then she would be it. i can see it now, some one turns all of this into a comic book against good and evil, who will prevail?

i feel like im stuck in limbo rite now. everything is so strangely unfamiliar.

19 is such a weird age to be.

its march now and i absolutely need it to get warmer. before i die.

so, um, yea, i got one of these, myspace, its the cool thing to do, rite???

call me later

2005-03-01T10:11:43Z

hey, guess what?

i did nothing all damn day. i didnt even leave my house. how cool am i?

my throat hurts so bad and its has for some time now. too much smoking. have to chill out for a while.

i want to get another tatoo, but im not sure what i want to get exactly. i have a few ideas, but i dont think that they would really work out in the long run. i have a feeling i would end up regretting it later. hopefully ill find something or come up with something that will really fit me.

i stayed up all nite just to watch full house. but i slept all day, so i guess its not that bad. still, im pretty pathetic.

i should probably go do a bunch of stuff tomorrow.

i want to go get my transcripts and really figure this school thing out.

what the fuck, why is my mother sleeping on the couch???

the bleeding hand of the last immortal

2005-02-28T09:38:45Z

nothing feels like it used to be

and its not bad, its just different,

but i dont like it so much

i think a lot of it is me

i had one of the wierdiest and funniest weekends ever

i laughed so hard with some of my best friends, and it felt good

this really drunk guy asked me if i wanted to try on his shoe, while i was sitting in adams room, it was hilarious because i had shoes on and he just kept asking me to try on his shoe. then i was trying to smoke, and he kept trying to light this bowl for me, but it wasnt working, he kept falling over, it was insane.

"everything im doing rite now is red"

the whole weekend, everytime i was alone with paul, hed be like, "god, i want to get laid so bad!" i dont really think it meant anything or that he was hinting at anything, but still i found it to be quite odd. i was just like "yea dude, i feel yr pain."

i really fucking miss him.

most of saturday nite was me walking around the fourth floor fucked as hell, thinking about him. i just wanted to talk to him. i contemplated calling him, but chose not to in order to avoid any more drama and hurt feelings.

its not even like hes gone forever, he says he still wants to be friends with me. which i want also. rite now, its just too much. for both of us, im always this mess, and im always making him freak out because im crazy.

honestly, i could talk to him. and he really listened to me. we just had this connection.

i still love him though. regardless of what happens, i still love him. and its not like i expect anything back other than friendship. but i know i need to let go of him and move on. i cant keep doing this to myself or else years from now, i will still love him and itll still be the same way. it just doesnt feel rite, we were never even really together. everyone thought we were, but not so much. i almost think that if we had been together, it would be easier to let all of this go. but then again, maybe if we had, we wouldnt have been friends...

i just dont know anymore

and it doesnt make things easier when i go places where id usually go with him, alone and people tell me that it doesnt feel rite without ian, that were a pair and its better when we come together

So would i be out of line if i said, i miss you?

shut up

2005-02-24T14:46:23Z

im tired, but i cant sleep so much,

might just stay up and be delerious! wahhhhh...

so its obnoxiously loud in my house because of all this stupid fucking constrution. my dog is freaking out and will not stop barking for the life of her, which is annoying because she is cowering in my room. plus, everything that is up against the back wall of my bathroom and my sister room is falling because of the huge hole that they are putting in the basement. it probably looks pretty funny, me running around my house catching/picking things up and cursing at my dog. i hope all the construction fellas can see me, god knows its hot.

i need some blank cds, anybody want to give me some, i can burn you some groovy tunes, for sure man!

i feel anxious and nervous, like this whole time im waiting for something to happen, but its really nothing.

i really need to stop smoking so much crack.

megadeth might be playing at ozzfest this year. with fucking slayer and black sabbath. im way excited. because last year it was like the best thing that had ever happened.

i might go to the bars tonight with igor and all the grrls from his floor. either way its gonna be pretty fucking funny. i kinda wanna go and stay out there tonite so i dont have to go back tomorrow.

friday, im going to madison to hang out with these kids that we met 2 weeks ago at a rave. they were innocent enough. i guess theres this huge drum and bass techno show that is free. and one of the kids promised us lots of booze and weed for us to play with. that and the drive alone will be worth it (and watching alex trying to get on this grrl hardcore)

and me and whitney better hang out because im in the city like every fucking weekend so close to her and i never call her godamn it!

ill kill you

2005-02-24T12:37:57Z

why is it that i cant have the sleeping pattern of a normal human being?

instead, i sleep all fucking day and do nothing, and stay up all nite to watch the same full episodes that i have seen 10,000 times already. what the fuck?

[whats funny is im watching saved by the bell now, its pretty ridiculous]

i feel so weird and insane.

god, i fucking miss him.

and i feel dumb for doing it.

only because i know that regardless of what happens, im still going to be immensley hurt.

isnt that always how things go?

death

2005-02-22T19:51:39Z

tonight is morbid angel with soulfly! im pretty freakin excited, me and igor are gonna get way drunk and stumble the whole way to the L. hopefully i dont fall because that would be bad.

so overall, i had a relatively good birthday, besides stupid drama at dans that shouldnt have happened in the fucking first place, but whatever. it doesnt take that tall kid to ruin my birthday. besides, i left and nothing really happened, but seriously fuck him and that stupid whore.

when the fuck is it gonna stop snowing and start getting warm?

cause i would really like to know...

i should probably go take a shower. its been like 2 days.

thats quite a span of time in my world. how did i make it this long?

hey, its my b-day!

2005-02-20T19:45:05Z

guess what bitches?

IM FUCKING 19!

its pretty insignificant, but whatever,

still a mighty good reason to get down and dirty! he he!

party?

2005-02-19T11:54:08Z

tomorrow is my birthday!

yea for getting really drunk.

i dunno. im so over all the bullshit that happened this week. it was all such ridiculous drama. partly because im a bitch. but whatever, regardless of what happened. things are actually looking okay.

i got a job with my sister at kiefer, which is awesome. i wont be working that much(which kind of sucks, but i can still be lazy), and ill start making some money again. itll make my parents happy and get em off my back for a while. plus, it will give me something to do, besides mope around my house all day. its seasonal, so hopefully i can find a job before its over, but i know with summer coming, theyll be plenty of oppertunities. and i know if all else fails, i could go back to the school district and beg steve mathis for job, as long as im not working with same fucks as i was last summer, considering MY boss thought it would be funny to throw pepper on me because i had to sneeze.

ive been looking into classes for next year, and i just want to get it all done and over with and transfer in two years hopefully. i wanna go some where in the city or some place that is moderately far away. this place is starting to get the best of me. my mom freaked out at me the other day and told me take summer classes, and i told her no. for some many reasons though, i could make money during the summer, but not if i cant go to work because i have to go to school. plus, theyre converting to semesters in the fall, so it would pointless to take a quarter of a class before they switch over. but i do know that i will go this fall, no matter what happens, because i have to get the fuck out of here. its not even like i meant to take a year off, but just so much happened it was my only option really. i dunno, i wouldnt really say i wasted this year, i wasnt very productive, but i learned a lot. a lot that i will carry with me for a long time.

and as far as the whole drama with that tall kid, i really just dont care about him anymore. and i think its the best thing for me, to let go of him and just let him be. i have spent the last 2 years that ive known him freaking out about everything that has happened. only because i loved him. but its time to learn that he will never care about me as much as i care about him. and im okay with that. everything i ever felt for him was unconditional and never really expected anything back other than for him to be my friend. but now, theres just too much emotion involved to care about him that way. and im actually okay with it. i mean it sucks that hes hanging out with a stupid fucking whore because i know all shes doing is sitting around bad mouthing me. whatever, im cooler than she ever will be. and way cleaner too. a part of me will always love him for what he is, but this whole thing has shed such light in places i never even thought to look. i dunno, it sucks knowing that now that hes mad, i found out all this stuff that he doesnt like about me and never had the guts to tell me. but all the more reason to let him go and move on with my life. hes says he still wants to be friends with me, but i dunno. then again i dont see how i could avoid him completely seeing as we hang out with basically the same people, with the exception of the stupid fucking whore.

it feels good to write things down again. i stopped like 4 months ago. just completely closed myself off. and i freaked out over every little thing and turned it into a big deal. i think i need to start doing this more so that everything isnt just floating around in my head for me to over-analyze.

i cant wait for it to get warmer. i just know that i will feel better about everything in general. summer just brings oppertunity on so many levels. theres always stuff to do and places to go. gah, i just want to runaround in the grass barefoot.

so it feels wierd, it being a weekend and me being at home. i usually live at igors from friday night to the early hours of monday morning. meh, i went and got him and alex today, hung out for a bit. friday traffic to the city is a always a bitch. but it gives me some quality time to rock out in my car alone. which must be pretty funny looking to everyone else. if you ever see a grrl going crazy to insane loud music sitting on 290, its probably me...

so i guess there was an entrophy show tonight, but it got cancelled because evan sprained scotts neck? i have no idea how its possible, but it does make sense that its even, i just find that very strange that he didnt sprain his own neck, but someone elses...
EDIT: i guess scott just sprained his neck, on his own, it was just funnier when everyone thought even did it!

whatever!

i feel like i cant breathe lately. like everything that is going on is swallowing me whole. im just trying to take it slow and make it through all this bullshit. i will put all this behind soon enough, and ill laugh at how fucking pointless it all was.

yo mother fucker!

2005-02-18T09:02:35Z

so yea, i dunno started this for a thousand reasons that i dont feel like explaining rite now because i know it will all come out in due time.

hung out with travis tonight, sat at his house. watched van wilder.

pretended to be christopher walken as the ladies man and drank a whole bottle of champagne. i <3 the bubbly. it gets you pretty fucked, but yr not completely rocked, its like drinking beer, except a slightly lighter drunk. smoked some peach hookas and they were fucking awesome. i wish i could smoke shesha all day, everyday. any where too, that would be the best. always smoking!

and then dying due to the cancer in my lungs, good idea shelley!

my birthday is in 2 days! YAH!!!

19, not a really significant age, but its a good excuse to party, rite?

thought so!

today is my gramas birthday too. i have to go to the hospital later and see her. shes like 85 and still holding on, thats impressive.

im going to see soulfly with morbid angel on tuesday at the house. im pretty freakin excited.

me and igor are gonna go and rock out with our cocks out, so watch OUT!

meh...

2005-02-18T08:52:56Z

01. Name: shelley, michelle, sholanda
02. Single or taken: nobody at the moment
03. Sex: im a cunt
04. B'day: feb 20, 1986
05. Sign: pisces
06. Siblings: my baby sister, didi
07. Hair color: black
08. Eye color: blue-green-gray
09. Shoe size: 8 or 9 i think
10. Height: like 5'6-5'7

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. Who are your friends? my friends know who they are, id hope...
02. do you have a boyfriend/(girlfriend)? nope (spare me the drama)
03. did you send this to your crush? NO
04. did your crush send this to you? NO

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
01. Where is your favorite place to shop? village, any local head shop
02. Any tattoos or piercings? i have 3 tatoos and 13 piercings

s p e c i f i c s
01. Do you do drugs? yea, but i know my limits
02. What kind of shampoo do you use? pantene pro-v
03. What are you most scared of? failure, being alone, rejection
04. What are you listening to right now? slayer- seasons in the abyss
05. Who is the last person that called you? t-money
06. Where do you want to get married? nowhere
07. How many buddies are online right now? 16

f a v o r i t e s
01. Color: black & red
02. Food: burritos and ramen noodles
03. Boys names: ryan
04. Girls names: miranda
05. Subjects in school: history or english
06. Animals: kitties and puppies
07. Sports: pool, volleyball

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. Given anyone a bath? no!
02. Smoked? yes, obviously
03. Bungee jumped? no
04. Made yourself throw up? yea, when im too fucking drunk and not feeling so hot, sometimes i will
05. Skinny dipped? no
06: Ever been in love? yea, it hurts
07. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? oh god yes, i dunno whered i be had i not
08. Pictured your crush naked? yea
09. Actually seen your crush naked? yea!
10. Cried when someone died? yes
11. Lied: yes, and i can actually pull most of that shit off
12. Fallen for your best friend? yea, it creates a whole world of problems
13. Been rejected? sadly, yes
14. Rejected someone? yes
15. Used someone? yes
16. Done something you regret? yes, too many things

c u r r e n t
01. Clothes: dark blue hoodie and pajama pants
02. Music: slayer- expandable youth
03. Make-up: no
04. Smell: me (body by victoria)
05. Favorite artist: slayer, megadeth, children
06. Favorite group: slayer
07. Desktop picture: pantera
08. Believed in God: nope, not really
09. Book you're reading: not currently
10. CD in player: slayer- seasons in the abyss
11. VHS in player: 10 things i hate about you

l a s t | p e r s o n
01. you touched: travis
02. you IMed: igor
03. yelled at: my mom

a r e | y o u
01. Understanding: yes
02. Open-minded: yes
03. Arrogant: most likely
04. Interesting: i can be...
05. Random: oh yea
06. Hungry: for some lovin!!!
07. Smart: depends on how motivated i am
08. Moody: yea, sometimes
09. Hardworking: i can be...
10. Organized: my god yes!
11. Healthy: not so much
12. Shy: at times, in certain situations
13. Difficult: yes
14. Attractive: mildly, on some levels
15. Bored easily: soemtimes
16. Messy: no
17. Responsible: i can be...
18. Obsessed: with some things
19. Angry: yes, im a very angry person
20. Sad: yea, sometimes
21. Happy: yea, not all the time though
22. Hyper: depends on what im on
23. Trusting: yes
24. Talkative: when im a drunkass
25. Legal: yea, sure...

w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a
01. Get really wasted with: my friends,
02. Get high with: my friends, myself, any one as long as yr cool
03. Look like: someone beautiful
04. Talk to offline: all my friends, i dont do it enough
05. Chatter to online: my buddies

r a n d o m
01. In the morning i am: tired, cranky, frightening
02. All i need is: to know that someone will be there even when it seems impossible
03. Love is: complicated
04. I dream about: being happy with myself

w h i c h | i s | b e t t e r
01. Coke or pepsi: coke
02. flowers or candy: candy, get me some gummi worms
03. tall or short: tall

o p p o s i t e | s e x
01. What do you notice first: eyes
02. Last person you slow danced with: i dont remeber, um igor, paul, alex, fin at the rave
03. Who makes you smile: my friends, my mom, my dog, my sister
04. Who gives you a funny feeling when you see/hear/talk to/think about/anything them: ian, steve
05. Who do you have a crush on: steve
06. Who has a crush on you: everyone (rite..?)

d o | y o u | e v e r
01. Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: no, but i do sit up all nite
02. Save conversations: not so much
03. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: only when its my time of the month
04. Wish you were younger: sometimes
05. Cry because someone said something to you: yea, especially coming from someone yr close to

n u m b e r
01. of times i have had my heart broken: countless
02. of hearts i have broken: i dunno, not too many though
03. of guys i've kissed: at least 8
04. of girls i've kissed: 2 or 3
05. of continents i have lived in: uno
06. of tight friends: my 2 boys
07. of cds i own: numerous
08. of scars on my body: i dont want to waste my time counting
09. of things that i regret: too many

y o u r | t h o u g h t s
01. i know: that i could always know more
02. i want: to feel okay again
03. i wish: that summer was here
04. i hate: where i am at this point in my life
05. i fear: rejection, failure
06. i fight back tears: yea, and its not always good for you
07. i regret: a lot of things ive done
08. i love: alchol and drugs and my friends and YOU!

f i n a l | q u e s t i o n s
01. do you like filling these out: sometimes there fun
02. how many people are you sending this to: nobody
03. who will send it back: umm... nobody
04. least likely to send it back: you
05. gold or silver: silver
06. what was the last film you saw at the movies: the incredibles or something
07. favorite cartoon/anime: futurama, aqua teen
08. what did you have for breakfast this morning: nothing
09. who would you love being locked in a room with: yr mom
10. could you live without your computer: yea, but i dont feel like trying
11. what would you color your hair: yea, i fucking do
12. could you ever get off the computer: im sure im quite capable
13. habla espanol: no, no hable mucho espanol
14. how many people are on your buddy list: 85, and i talk to like 6
15. drink alcohol: yea, im fucking tipsy rite now
16. like watching sunrises or sunsets: sunsets, because no matter how dark it gets, some light will eventually be shed on the situation